So I’ve now been a parent for 4 years now, and because we’re a non-traditional family, that includes ages birth through 10. We’ve run the gamut of highs and lows and problems to work through. I also worked with kids and families for about 15 years, and based on all of that, this is my advice for parents to raise your kids to love Jesus:
It’s harder than you thought and easier than you think:
Before we became parents, we all had thoughts on how we were going to be the perfect parent and take all the best practices to heart. And then we got in the middle of it and find ourselves fighting to keep from using tech as the go-to babysitter. But what I’ve learned through a lot of the how I wanted to be and who I am as a parent, is that yes, it was harder than I thought it would be, even with all my years of kid experience. And often it’s easier than I think. A lot of times, we put so much pressure on how we should be as parents, we forget that a healthy relationship is the biggest thing we can give our kids. That doesn’t mean being their friend, but showing them what a healthy relationship looks like, how to set boundaries and expectations, how to own your mistakes, and help others be their best self. Those are the things that create lasting memories. And yes, you’re kids will remember some of your screw ups, but it’s how handle those moments that last.
It’s about becoming, not enough
Because we jumped headfirst into parenting, our bar was always lower than what many first-time parents start at. And I still, from time to time, get on myself that I’m not doing enough or being enough or giving them enough, or any of the other “enoughs” that we struggle with as parents. But then I refocus on the point of being a parent. It’s not about enough, it’s about becoming. And I want them to become adults who love God and others well, just like Jesus.
Enough sets a standard for ourselves that is based on some set of expectations that may or may not be achievable. In the parenting world, enough always seems elusive when you look at what bar is being set at any given time. And enough is centered on you and what you’re doing or not doing.
But becoming is about an end goal for your child. Becoming doesn’t center on you as a parent, but on your child and what they will be in the future. Becoming is about the big picture and who they are, not the stuff and standards parents put on themselves. So rather than asking yourself “am I doing enough,” ask yourself “who is my child becoming,” and parent based on that.
The worst thing we can do to ourselves as parents is live our lives according to someone else’s standard. Really, that’s the worst thing we can do at any stage of life. I would have a different life if I had lived by other people’s standards in my 20s. Knowing that makes it a little easier to live by my standards as a parent.
If you’re trying to be a good parent, you probably are
Good parenting isn’t about what we do and do not do so much as the relationship we try and give our kids and the adult we try to help them grow into. Much like step one, most of being a good parent is trying to be a good parent. If you think back to the details of your childhood, on the whole, you don’t remember a lot of it. So in the moment, it’s easy to be hard on yourself, thinking your kid is going to remember every little mistake you make. But the reality is they’ll remember if you loved them, if you were honest, if you showed them who Jesus is through your actions, if you were safe and caring.
It’s about the Ending, not the current Chapter
If we judged a book by anything other than the complete story, then we would hate every book out there. A Child’s life is not about the current chapter, it’s about growing them into a capable, kind, generous human being. Does the current Chapter matter? Yes. Every word, sentence, and page matters. But there will be hard moments, bad moments, and suspenseful moments. The important thing is to remember, it’s not the end of the story. And thankfully, Jesus is the author and perfecter of our faith, which leads to my last and most important advice.
Make Jesus the most important thing in your family
You can’t make Jesus the most important thing in your Child’s heart, but you can make him the most important thing in your family. And by setting that example on what a life following Jesus looks like, there’s a good chance they will choose to make Jesus the most important thing in their life, too.
And this is different than setting a bunch of rules based on the Bible. Yes, we have rules in our family that are based on the Bible and what Jesus says. But we talk often about how our actions show what’s in our hearts, and that the rules help us stay safe and love others as God wants us to love. We almost never use the “I told you so.” I think the closest we get is asking if they are going to choose to obey. But even then, we tell our kids often, “ we practice obeying when it doesn’t matter so we can obey when it does.” Because the reality is, most of the time, obeying isn’t a life or death situation, but the time it is, I want them to trust me enough that they’ll do what I ask the first time.
All that to say, all the advice before this is about giving yourself slack and building healthy relationships with your kids so that they can build healthy relationships with God and others. You’re the best and first example of what that looks like to love Jesus and love others, and while it’s a big responsibility, with the grace of God, it’s simpler than you think.
Stay Weird,
